Imperative, 'This is next to godliness?'

Hate yourself. Hate yourself a little more… that’s it. Now it is time to start your day. Stretch for exactly thirty seconds. Then get up and put your right foot into a slipper then your left. As you enter the bathroom be sure to flip the switch three times: Up, down, up. Move to the shower make sure the water is just below scalding and get in. Feel the water burn into your pores and grab the loofa. Apply a heavy dose of antibacterial body wash and scrub down your body. Get under your nails, between your toes, scrub until you feel raw; then scrub a few more times just for good measure, feel the pain and take comfort in the fact that at least for now you are clean. Be sure when you leave the bathroom that you hit the switch another three times or it will bother you all day. 

Once you are all dressed slip on your shoes, wash your hands and hit the streets. Feel the cold winter air hit your face and wonder if there are any deadly pathogens floating toward you right now.  Try to put that thought to the back of your mind and soldier on down the street. Take notice of everyone around you and try to catalogue them into groups of most important for the impending apocalypse.  Rate them based on size, muscle mass, perceived intelligence then count your self as one of the expendable masses. 

Look down and panic. Realize that while you were daydreaming you had your hand on a safety rail! Know how many diseased and deranged people have put their filthy hands all over this bacterial death trap. Panic as you pull out your antiseptic hand sanitizer and find it to be empty.  Imagine some grubby little kid sneezing into his hand and wiping it all over the railing. Try to hold back the looming hysteria that threatens to overtake your mind and look for somewhere to wash your hand.  Feel the germs creeping up your fingers as they poison your hand against you.  Spot a nearby diner and rush into it like a crack-head on laundry day. Locate the restroom and elbow your way into it. Take care not to touch anything more than necessary.  Remember the statistics about how many people do not was their hands.  Wash your hands.  Now roll up your sleeves to the elbow and wash your hands right. Let the soap sit on your forearms for a few seconds before letting to burning water wash the sin away. Now that your brain has stopped screaming at you tuck your hand inside your coat and push the door open at the top, less people touch there.

Now that you are back on the street keep your hands inside your pockets to make sure this does not happen again.  Stop off at the usual drug store for more hand sanitizer and a snickers bar. Be careful to give everyone a wide berth- you don’t know what these people may or may not have. Look at the cute girl behind the counter; she is looking at you again. Try to work up the courage to say something smooth and original this time, but know that you won’t. Feel the nervous tension in the air. Pay for your hand sanitizer and thank her and walk away.

Hate yourself a little more… that’s it. 

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