Pound
There Zane stood, looking dejected and alone at the bar, ignoring the music, pulsing and pounding through the air like a rocket attack into London Square circa 1944. So of course Klaus sidled up to him, approaching him as he did all things, crabwise and oblique, for fear of spooking Zane into leaving.
“Dude, put your phone away, you're out to forget about her, not make drunken texts in the middle of the night to a chick that didn't appreciate you anyways.”
“Of course you'd say that as you're always making drunk texts, but furthermore I lack a crucial prerequisite in making a drunken text, namely, being drunk.”
“Well, maybe we should fix that, y'know, loosen up a little, let your hair down, wash that sand out of your vag. I got the solution. Its perfect. Jagerbombs! Or maybe an A-10, c'mon man just relax!”
“I guess this round goes to you... along with the bill, and only, only if you get a water for yourself, you're going to hate yourself in the morning.”
“Psh, whatever man.” Klaus turned to the bartender and ordered 2 Jagerbombs apiece, just enough to get Zane a little drunk when his low tolerance was considered, and just enough to get Klaus himself approaching buzzed.
“To Beginnings! And Endings! And all that crap with everyone in between!”
Zane carefully, painstakingly even, downed his pair of shots as Klaus slammed his down the breech and into the barrel of his stomach.
“Cocked and loaded bro! I saw this chick eye-fucking you earlier, man, she was a sweet piece of ass, the bartender pointed her out to me. She's got a stellar fucking tramp stamp bro.”
“Uh-huh, and I'm sure she loves to be described like that.”
“Well you obviously need more shots.” Turning to the bartender Klaus put up two fingers and kinda twirled them, 4 more shots appeared and disappeared. “Follow me dude, trust me, you'll thank me in the morning.”
“Right, thats what I always do, I thank you for taking me to the sleaziest bar you know.”
“Nah man, this ain't the sleaziest, the chicks here have to leave their tops on, now c'mon, I need to introduce you to Cori. She's more your type than mine, but I'll take the hit and go for Ms. Tramp Stamp 20-11 while you waste your time.”
Dragged protesting through the crowd to an island Zane is introduced to two little petite blondes, one whose name he doesn't catch and Cori. “Not so bad” Zane thinks to himself, “She seems to be almost as disgusted with this place as I am.”
So they talk. Cori, is a 5' nothing, pretty despite her slight overbite, college junior into Politics, having an opinion, Star Wars, D&D 3.5, and most definitely not Nirvana. Zane thinks he's found paradise on earth, despite the provocative “dancing” of his friend Klaus that can be glimpsed through the crowd.
The night continues, Klaus and Ms. Tramp Stamp showing the club how this type of music got to be called “Pound”, while Zane and Cori begin a real connection. Drinks come and go, time comes and goes, and finally all 4 go home together back to Zane and Klaus' apartment.
Things happen there on the couch, again on the table, the kitchen floor, the bathroom, and then finally again in the bed. Followed by sleep. In the morning Zane wakes up in his 1 bedroom apartment, looks over at Cori snuggled up against him and asks “When did you get a tramp stamp?”
Decided to go for a hopefully more humorous and slightly less crazy take on this assignment. 607 words, counting the title. Out of curiosity, who do you relate better to?
I like the not as crazy approach and how you let the reader into the lie a little bit somewhere in the middle. Or maybe I just figured it out early because I had recently seen Fight Club. But alas, good stab at it bro.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things to look out for though; you kept switching tenses, I never really figured out if I was watching the past or the present. I also wasn't aware of who was talking, I'm not sure if you were doing it on purpose or not since the main character was both people but tag lines can take away the confusion. There are many different ways to insert tag lines so don't be afraid to add a little "he said, she said."
As far as the speaker goes, I purposely left it vague, I even went out of my way and deleted some tag lines after writing it. Apart from that though, up until the toast in the middle (said by both parties) the speaker alternated by paragraph , and the same occurred after the toast, starting with the first speaker. It was kind of my intent that the reader would decide which speaker was saying what based on the brief description you got of Zane... generally wall flowers aren't so derogatory, y'know?
ReplyDeleteAs for the tense inconsistency, could you point it out? I really suck at recognizing that sort of thing, and I could use a specific paragraph to look at.